#How Google Hires

[someweirdointhecorner]

They had no business opening a funeral home when they did lmfaooo

[wishchip106]

i’m trying to mentally convince the cherik nation on twitter to come over here

what are you guys doing on the toxic waste app?? 😨😨😰😰 get away from there!!!!

[starbuck]

me: hey, so i feel like you maybe disregarded my saying that caretaking on top of work and school and pre-planned travel is a lot for me right now and i’m not comfortable with all of that pressure being on me alone when i wanna make sure you guys have everything you need when i’m not around…

my family: of COURSE we heard you, that’s why we started doing a bunch of things by ourselves at great cost to our physical well-being instead of asking you for help!!!!!!

me:

[gobbluthbutagirl]

spent wayyyyy too long doomscrolling reddit(the same website where people act like you are literally going to drop dead immediately if you move to los angeles without a car and $100,000 in your bank account) threads about the current job market in los angeles and it’s uhhhhh not encouraging. but i also didn’t drop dead immediately when i moved to los angeles without a car or $100,000 the first time. so who can never really know

[1794]

day one of compliance training

[beevean]

...random idea: what if someone were to feed Megaman X6's japanese script to an AI translator? I wonder if the end result would be better or worse than what we got?

I think the AI would kill itself

[cesium-sheep]

I'm so fucking tired of apartments dude, the bathroom sink has been draining terribly for days so I go to dig as much gunk out of it as I can (most of the hair seemed to be arin's, but there wasn't actually that much really). pull the stopper out and clean it as best as I can, there's a mysterious metal bit stuck to the stopper. because the pole attached to the stopper that makes it lever up and down has rusted straight through. and scrape the pipe out as best I can once the stopper's out for good measure.

and it still drains bad!

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Everyone loves to tell me about their buddy who makes 6 figures working as a developer for Adobe or whatever who never had a day of college in their life. But nobody loves to tell me about jobs they know of that are hiring less experienced software developers without degrees. Odd 🤔

[thedreadvampy]

I'm going to fucking kill someone how FUCKING hard is it to write down basic information??!???

[palettepainter]

Just as a general heads up uh, don't expect a whole lotta accuracy when it comes to the technical stuff concerning electricity in Hired Sparky. I'm doing my best to research bits and bobs to make the story seem more real, but man is understanding this stuff hard

[xitty]

This is not even a date plan?? C'mon.

Kaoru: This is a present from me. In flower language, poinsettias mean "my heart is burning" ... I wonder if you understand my earnest message? I love you, always.

[iamthepulta]

I was supposed to talk about Lustrum hours processing once upon a time, wasn't I?

[cheeseknives]

You think you're fluent in English until you encounter Rastafarian English

[nonbinarynightcrawler]

growing increasingly more annoyed by the person who came in earlier today and asked me if there were any lab attendants who would be willing to "teach [her] stuff like gmail and microsoft word, yknow?" because she got hired onto a new job and didn't know how to use any software apparently

she was annoyed from the jump because she'd already been to the IT department and was not happy with the answer of "we can show you how to google some youtube tutorials on the subjects you need"

ma'am our job is not to teach people the comprehensive ins and outs of software suites. we will help senior auditors open google docs but we're not running community courses here

she needed this info because she just started a new job and apparently doesn't know how to use any of the software that's required

I'm not even mad that she was asking anymore, I'm mad someone who's knowledge starts and ends with "move physical mouse to move computer cursor" managed to get an office job while my friends are out here overqualified as hell, killing themselves trying to get even an interview

[inkskinned]

it's easier to apply for jobs than ever! so what if you lost your insurance, anyone can get a job these days, even without meds. everyone is hiring! there's a "good employee" shortage!

well you just need to revamp your resume, here's a paid app subscription that can read it for you. rewrite the cover letter they won't read. google jobs in my area and then scrawl through Monster/Indeed/worbly. did you want to save the search? this was posted 98 days ago. over 1 billion applicants! this position is trending.

jobs i actively like doing and get paid for. your search returned no results. easy-apply with HireSpin! easy apply with SparkFire! easy apply with PenisFlash! with a few short clicks, get your information stolen.

watch out! the first 98 links on google are actually scams! they're false postings. oopsie. that business isn't even hiring. that other one is closed permanently. find one that looks halfway legit, google the company and the word "careers". go to their page. scroll past brightly-lit diversity stock photo JOIN US white sans serif. we are a unique, fresh, client-focused stock value capitalism. we are committed to excellence and selling your soul on ebay. we are DRIVEN with POWER to INNOVATE our greed. yippee! our company has big values of divisive decision making, sucking our dicks, and hating work-life balances. our values are to piss in your mouth. sign here and tell us if you have gender issues so we can get ahead of the sexual harassment claim. are you hispanic although let's be real we threw out the resume when we saw your last name.

sign up to LinkHub to access updates from this company. make a HirePlus account to apply. download the PoundLink app. your account has been created, click the link we sent you in 15 minutes. upload that resume. we didn't read the resume, manually fill in the lines now. what is your expected pay grade. oh actually we want hungry people, not people driven by a salary. cut a zero off that number, buddy, this is about opportunity, and we need to be thrifty. highest level of education. autofill is glitching. here is an AI generated set of questions. what is your favorite part of our sexy, sexy company. how do you resolve conflict. will you get our company logo tattooed on your person. warning: while our CEO is guilty of wage theft, we will absolutely refuse to hire a nonviolent felon.

thank you for your interest at WEEBLIX. we actually already filled this position internally. we actually never had that posting. we actually needed you to have 9 years of experience and since you have 10 years we think it might be too many? we'll be texting you. we'll email you. we'll keep your resume. definitely absolutely we won't just completely ignore you. look at your phone, there's already a spam text from Bethany@stealyouridentity. they're hiring!

wait, did you get an interview? well that's special, aren't you lucky. out of 910 jobs you applied to, one answered, finally. and funny story! actually the position isn't exactly as advertised, we are looking for someone curious and dedicated. it's sort of more managerial. no, the pay doesn't change - you won't have any leadership title. now take this 90 minute assessment. in order to be a dog groomer, we need you to explain cell biology. in order to be a copyeditor, write a tiny dissertation about the dwindling supply of helium on the planet. answer our riddles three. great job! we just need to push this up to Tracy in HR who will send it to Rodney who is actually in charge. and then of course it's jay's decision and then greg will need to see you naked and if you survive you'll be given a drug test and a full anal examination.

and of course you'll be hungry this whole time, aren't you, months and months of the same shit. months of no insurance, no meds, no funding, barely able to afford the internet and the phone and the rent - all things you need in order to even apply for our thing. but do it again! do it again and again and again, until you flip inside out and turn into a being of pure dread!

you're not hired yet because you're lazy. there's over one million AI-generated hallucinated jobs in your area. don't worry. with zipruiter, hiring and firing is easier than ever. sign up. stay on-call.

in the meantime, little peon - why don't you just fucking suffer.